Home -> Help For Survivors -> Helpful Lists -> Sex and Relationships Pamphlets Sex and Relationships Pamphlets More and more people are deciding
to wait to have sex.
Movies, songs, TV shows and ads can make it seem like everyone is having sex. Your friends may be having sex, or want to. If you’ve decided not to have sex, you may feel left out. DEVELOP A SUPPORT SYSTEM TO HELP YOU STICK WITH YOUR DECISION. MAKE FRIENDS with people who feel the same way you do. FIND ROLE MODELS among sports, music or TV stars who have decided not to have sex. TALK OVER YOUR CHALLENGES and successes with friends who care.
You might feel that having sex is the only way to get or keep a partner. Or your partner might put pressure on you or keep asking you to have sex. It’s important to be clear about your decision and to have your partner’s support. TALK ABOUT YOUR REASONS for waiting before you get into sexual situations with your partner. BE CLEAR ABOUT YOUR LIMITS and which sexual behaviors, if any, you are comfortable with. DO THINGS TOGETHER. Share interests, activities and projects. SHOW YOUR LOVE in other ways -- write letters, listen to music, share your feelings. DISCUSS ANY OBSTACLES to abstinence, and plan ways to overcome them.
Sometimes a partner may not agree with your decision. IF THIS IS THE CASE: EXPLAIN YOUR DECISION and your reasons. COUNTER, “You would if you loved me” with, “I need you to respect my feelings” or, “If you really cared about me, you wouldn’t pressure me.” IF YOU CAN’T COME TO AN UNDERSTANDING, you might need to make some difficult decisions, such as ending the relationship.
Drinking alcohol or using other drugs can make it very difficult to stick to a decision not to have sex. Even small amounts can decrease your inhibitions and affect your judgment. MAKE AVOIDING ALCOHOL AND OTHER DRUGS PART OF YOUR NO-SEX PLAN. IF YOU’RE OFFERED A DRINK OR DRUGS, say, “No thanks,” “I’ll pass” or “Maybe another time.” ASK FOR JUICE, iced tea or a soft drink. AVOID PLACES, such as certain parties or clubs, where there will be pressure to drink or use drugs. VOLUNTEER TO BE THE “DESIGNATED DRIVER,” so you won’t be tempted to drink or use drugs. SEXUAL FEELINGS Sexual feelings are natural or normal. But they also can make it easy to ignore your good reasons for waiting. Remember, you can have sexual feelings and not act on them. PLANNING AHEAD CAN HELP. AVOID spending a lot of time alone with a partner. DO THINGS WITH OTHER COUPLES or go our in a group. LIMIT YOUR PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES to things that don’t lead to strong sexual feelings. REMEMBER YOUR REASONS for being abstinent. You may want to: wait until your ready. IF YOU’VE HAD SEX JUST BECAUSE YOU’VE HAD SEX, DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO HAVE SEX AGAIN. Think about what happened. DATING NEW PEOPLE Going out with or meeting new
people can challenge your decision. You may have to explain over and
over why you want to wait. HERE ARE SOME IDEAS: BE UP FRONT with a new date about your sexual limits, before the situation gets physical. SAY, “You need to know that I’ve decided to postpone sex for now,” or “That’s as far as I’m willing to go.” DON’T GO ALONE in a car or home with someone you’ve just met. “IT JUST HAPPENED...” Sometimes couples who don’t have anything else to do together have sex to keep from being bored. People who don’t have plans for the future may be less likely to commit to a decision to wait. GETTING INVOLVED IN OTHER ACTIVITIES AND THINKING ABOUT THE FUTURE CAN HELP YOU CAN MAKE A SURE PLAN FOR YOURSELF. JOIN A SPORTS TEAM or club. VOLUNTEER at a local hospital, nursing home or daycare center. LEARN TO PLAY an instrument. BECOME INVOLVED in a community service project. PICTURE THE FUTURE you’d like to have for yourself. Think about your dreams: finishing school...having a career...having enough money for something special.... IMAGINE how getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant, or getting a sexually transmitted disease, would change your dreams for the future. IT’S IMPORTANT TO BE CLEAR ABOUT YOUR DECISION AND TO HAVE YOUR PARTNER’S SUPPORT. YOU CAN STAY WITH IT! HAVING A PLAN TO DEAL WITH PRESSURES CAN HELP YOU SUCCEED. THINK ABOUT YOUR REASONS for deciding to be abstinent, and take time to feel good about the benefits. AVOID SITUATIONS where it might be hard to wait or where sexual feelings might make things confusing. PRACTICE WAYS TO SAY NO ahead of time, and ways to explain your choice. HAVE A VISION of what you want for your life and future, and believe you can make it happen. CELEBRATE your ability to make a choice and stick with it!
Tell the other person
that you love them Iowa high school students were asked to list other ways besides sexual intercourse they might use to show they loved someone.
WHAT IS THE “CYCLE OF VIOLENCE?” In a violent relationship, the same things may happen over and over again. Not all relationships follow this “cycle of violence.” But many go through these 3 stages: THE TENSION-BUILDING STAGE No matter what you do, you can’t please your partner. Your partner may shout, blame, criticize, threaten, call you names or refuse to speak to you. THE EXPLOSION The explosion can be verbal, physical and/or sexual (rape). The batterer may scream, yell, shove, slap, hit, punch, kick, break things, or even use weapons to frighten you. THE “I’M SORRY” STAGE After the explosion, batterers
may be sorry and promise it will never happen again. Some may cry or
bring you flowers and gifts. Some may threaten to kill themselves or
you, if you leave.
YOU CAN’T CONTROL WHAT YOUR PARTNER DOES, BUT YOU CAN TAKE STEPS TO BE SAFER. WHEN THE TENSION STARTS BUILDING: Pay attention to your feelings.
Are you tense, fearful or on edge? DURING THE EXPLOSION: The most important thing is to
protect yourself. IF YOU HEAR “I’M SORRY”: Know that no matter what the batterer
says, without professional help, the violence will happen again.
BATTERING IS NOT YOUR FAULT. The batterer is the one who has the problem and who needs to get help. YOU MIGHT FEEL CONFUSED. Many women who are battered feel ashamed, afraid, guilty or humiliated. They think they should be able to make it stop. They can’t. VIOLENCE IS DANGEROUS AND UNPREDICTABLE. It may not follow a cycle. If it does, the time between explosions tends to get shorter. In the future there may be no “I’m sorry” stage. VIOLENCE WILL GET WORSE. Without professional help, the violence will keep happening. Over time it will get worse. In time, the batterer will kill you or himself, or both of you.
If your partner hits you, report
it to the police as soon as you can. DON’T LISTEN TO ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU THAT THE ABUSE IS YOUR FAULT. NO ONE EVER DESERVES TO BE BATTERED. WAYS TO GET HELP CALL THE WOMEN’S CRISIS LINE in your community. They can tell you what resources are available. Or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. MAKE A LIST OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS who could help in an emergency. Ask what they would be willing to do (transportation, shelter, money, etc.). JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP. You will learn more about domestic violence. Groups for battered women can give you information, comfort and support. FIND OUT YOUR LEGAL RIGHTS. There are ways to keep a batterer away from you, your home and your children. Call a women’s shelter or the County Bar Association to learn what to do. GET COUNSELING. Find a counselor who understands domestic violence and is sensitive to those who’ve been through it. Ask a women’s shelter to refer you to someone. GO TO A SHELTER (a place where you and your children can stay for a while). Shelters offer safety, counseling and support while you decide what to do next.
CHILDREN KNOW THAT FIGHTING IS GOING ON, EVEN IF YOU THINK THEY DON’T. DENYING IT OR NOT TALKING ABOUT IT UPSETS THEM EVEN MORE. Talk to them and let them tell you how they feel. Tell them that the fighting IS NOT THEIR FAULT. Tell them to STAY OUT of the fighting. Talk about where they can hide INSIDE the home (in a closet, under the bed, in a room that has a lock on the door). Talk about where they can hide OUTSIDE the house (garage, neighbors’ or friends’ homes). Talk about whom they can go to for help (grandparents, other relatives, neighbors, friends, police). Teach older children how to call 9-1-1. Practice what to say when they call. (“Daddy is hitting Mommy. We live at ... Hurry!”) HOW BATTERERS CAN GET HELP THERAPY GROUPS Batterers MUST get professional help to stop the cycle of violence. They have to want to stop. They must agree to weekly sessions in a therapy group for batterers for at least 1 year. Therapists trained in domestic violence lead these groups. They try to help batterers change their violent behavior.
Using alcohol and other drugs can add to violent behavior. But even with treatment for drug or alcohol abuse, a batterer still needs help to stop battering. EVEN WITH COUNSELING, VIOLENT PATTERNS ARE HARD TO BREAK. SO YOU NEED TO GET HELP FOR YOURSELF AND HAVE PLANS TO STAY SAFE. WHAT IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE? Abusing a partner physically, emotionally or sexually is called domestic violence. It is also called “battering.” Battering is physical force used to control or hurt someone. Batterers hit, slap, kick, push or sexually assault (rape) the other person. Emotional abuse is also a form of violence. Threats, shouting, name calling and other verbal abuses are used to frighten the other person. Violence isn’t normal. In
fact, battering is against the law. |